Anyone who has visited Gwyneth Paltrow’s much ridiculed website Goop already knows celebrities live on a different planet than the rest of us. This planet may look similar to Earth, but there are subtle differences. Most of its landmass is covered in dense forests of kale, under whose iron–rich leaves roam ravenous packs of magazine photographers. Poverty and disease are non-existent, and people subsist mostly on unicorn tears.
As you can see from the quotes below, many of the countries we know so well are slightly different too: the Parthenon is a club in Athens, Canada is separated from the United States by a large sea and London no longer resides in England (we’re not sure where it does reside exactly – Paris Hilton didn’t elaborate).
Ready to learn more about Planet Hollywood? We’ve assembled some of our favourite celebrity quotes to help orientate you.
‘I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.’
– Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his trip to Greece. He hadn’t.
‘I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.’
– Mike Tyson contemplates the inevitability of Bolivian.
‘I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.’
– Britney Spears. She managed to leave both Japan and Africa unsure of exactly who she had insulted.
‘I’m not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.’
– Justin Bieber. Note the way Bieber deftly sidesteps the petty posturing of so many political commentators and cuts right to the heart of the issue.
‘No, no, I didn’t go to England, I went to London.’
– Paris Hilton. To be fair, geography is really hard.
‘So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?’
– Christina Aguilera. She got it right on the third guess.
‘I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.’
– Britney Spears accidentally annexes Canada. Canadians seem relieved.
‘I thought Europe was a country.’
– Kellie Pickler. Technically it is a country in the same way a tomato is a country (i.e. not in any way at all.)
‘I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.’
– Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan. We’re still not sure what possible context could cause this ambiguity.
‘I love Africa in general. South Africa and West Africa. They are both great countries.’
– Paris Hilton. In other news, North Africa and East Africa wondered what more they could have done to impress Ms. Hilton.
‘We are here in Botswana, South Africa! Wow what a long flight!’
– Kim Kardashian. Let’s be charitable with that comma and assume she was addressing South Africa.
Intrepid isn’t offering any tours to the celebrity planet yet (permits are tough) but we’ve got planet Earth pretty well covered. Check out our range of group tours here.
Image c/o Tony Hoffarth, Flickr