Until we master teleportation, flying in a large metal cylinder, breathing recycled air and eating portion-controlled meals is the best way we’ve come up with for travelling long distances.
All in all, it’s not a wonderful thing to do. Most people don’t enjoy it. If the Wright Brothers had known that their experiment in 1903 would end with me watching Meet The Fockers at 30,000 feet and eating Pringles from a tiny carton like some demented raccoon, I like to think they would have kept their awesome new technology to themselves. We’d go back to sailing everywhere like pirates, and the world would be a more magical place.
But in the meantime, we’re stuck with planes. Here are the thoughts we all think in them.
1. Damn first class with their fancy legroom and free champagne.
2. I wonder if I can get a cheeky upgrade? I’m going to say I’m a doctor.
3. No that’s fine, person in front, push your seat as far back as it goes.
4. I’m going to push my seat back now. You started this. It’s like Pay it Forward but with sadness.
5. Sweet God, this button summons someone with food! That’s the dream!
6. Should I watch Citizen Kane or Transformers 3 for the fourth time?
7. Transformers 3 is an excellent movie.
8. Is anyone else freaking out that we’re above the clouds right now?
9. These tiny bottles of alcohol look like they were made for a pixie. Garcon, another vodka!
10. Whoever thought up this mode of transport was a little insane.
11. This travel pillow is my only friend in the world.
12. Flight attendant looks like a cool job. Mental note: Google ‘flight attendant average pay’ when we land.
13. I feel like I’m breathing in the air of centuries.
14. Who travels with a baby anyway? What pressing business does this baby have in The Bahamas?
15. It always gets a bad wrap, but airplane food is actually quite delicious. Look at this tiny muffin!
16. What is that? Is it chicken? I can’t even tell if it’s chicken.
17. My eyes feel like cotton wool. I’ve lost all sense of smell.
18. Why do they make the plane icon on the TV map so big? It’s literally the size of Australia.
19. Ooooh, pretty sunset. This must be what it feels like to be a God.
20. Why are you closing your window? We are literally flying through the clouds, people! How much more magical could this be?
21. My toe is tingling. It’s definitely DVT.
22. The flush on this toilet scares me a little.
23. Touchdown! And I didn’t die.
Intrepid Travel is the world’s expert in small group adventures (and surviving long haul flights – seriously, it’s all in the moisturiser).
Feature image c/o FUMIGRAPHIK, Flickr